May You Find Love

May You Find Love

Even though she never needed, wanted or asked for it. I gave her my heart, I gave her my soul, and I gave to her all the love that I hold within me. I gave her my respect and understanding. I gave her my compassion and my passion; I gave her faithfulness. I gave her my laughter; I opened my heart like never before and let her know my fears and insecurities, my strengths and weaknesses.  I gave her my dreams and made her dreams mine.

I gave her my encouragement and my undying belief in her. I made her my future. If I could love her forever, that wouldn’t be long enough.  All these things I give to her freely, willingly and without regret, because of my love for her, and they shall always remain hers for no-one else is worthy.

But I know now that I have to try hard to move past her, because of the way she affects my everyday thoughts. I know that I have to quit hoping that I will ever get to hold or kiss her again. I don’t want to wake up anymore, in the middle of the night, thinking about her and not being able to get back to sleep.

The feeling I get in my heart drives me to the point of absolute insanity for now I see her without me. I need to fill that hole in my soul that I carry with me, from losing her, but I know that it will never go away. Love doesn’t work that way.

I need to know what it takes for me not to see her perfectly made face in my heart every time, even when she is not around, I still see her as if she is sitting right next to me. Oh! her beautiful smile, exquisite laugh and perfect body. My heart remains lifeless at the thought of permanently losing her smile, the sound of her laughter, her tears, her scent, her belief in me, her encouragement and the unending compassion that lies in her heart.

You see, I finally learned what real love is and the pain it can bring, and that real love is defined through her every day smile. If you ever find that ability to love and care for someone that much, where each waking day is better than the previous one only because she is still a part of your life, and no matter what happens or what your station in life is, be it rich or poor, love given or withdrawn that nothing can change your heart, because you love someone unconditionally then and only then shall you truly know where real strength and love come from.

I wish God found me worthy to be the head of her heart but I can’t take back what’s in my heart or all the feelings that go with it now, or the fact that every good thing I am today or was capable of becoming, I owe to her and leave with her. Real love is a rare and wonderful thing, and as with most rare things, very hard to hang on to and believe it is truly yours.

It’s not just saying the words; it’s when you cradle that person’s face in your hands and look them in the eyes as your heart beat races and say to them “no, I really mean it, I truly love you”.

It is knowing that the absolute worst thing about dying would be missing her and not being able to see her anymore. It is about indefinable understanding regardless of situation, life’s changes or whatever she does, so that every day is like the very first time God showed you mercy and blessed you by putting her in your life.

It is knowing that you listen to your heart and follow it, because you know that there is nothing stronger or more powerful than the unconditional love of another. It can bring you to heights unimaginable, or it can slam you so hard that you think even living isn’t important anymore. It’s about believing because it’s such a hard thing to keep.

I write these feelings and words down in the hope that anyone seeing it knows what true love is when they find someone who sees them as beautiful when they don’t even try, amazing when they don’t feel it and perfect when they know they are far from it or forget it. It will put the feeling of success in your heart; to know what an amazing feeling it is and how free it makes you feel if you can only embrace it and count yourself lucky. It’s like being able to fly without actually leaving the ground; not many people ever get to truly have that and even less enjoy it for life for love is sometimes fleeting. I know in my heart that I have lost one of the biggest parts of me because the hurting never goes away; it will always be there but it helps to make me a stronger person in some ways

So whoever reads this know that if you ever find someone who loves you as much without you having to change yourself first, keep it in your heart and lock it away and keep it there for eternity and beyond. Don’t be afraid to enjoy it reflect on it and to tell other people, Take your time and appreciate the scale of how loved you really are and count yourself as God blessed because it really is the one real and true thing that we can have in our lives that can guarantee a great family, a great life and a life of real purpose with absolutely no limits. Watch as everything else gently starts to pale in comparison and your life brings with it a new direction as it heals and forgives all.

Love long, hard, and forever and If you are yet to be blessed by the undying unconditional love of one may an inextinguishable love find and accept all that is you; bad and good, forever and ever in all conditions.

 

 

TO MY FAMILY (THANK YOU)

TO MY FAMILY (THANK YOU)

TO MY FAMILY (THANK YOU FOR BEING MY REASON TO SMILE)

 

Same day different thoughts

I sit hear remembering the first poem I ever wrote.

Oh those youthful days full of hope,

Full of love

Full of endless zeal

What has happened?

I am a shadow of my former self

Self confidence replaced with self pity

Zeal replaced with despair

It now feels wrong to hope

Feels false to grow

I want the old me back

I am losing myself one day at a time

Help me get it back

Losing track

Where has my smile gone?

Not the smile of “things could be worse” but that of “the world is my pedestal”.

Is this what growing up brings?

If this is it then I chose to not grow any longer.

I see my end now

When all I saw was my beginning.

I am giving all of me to everything yet still falling short

Caught in my own court room

Looking for a new bloom

My face like a costume

With a view to a future consumed.

I tell myself everyday

It doesn’t have to be this way

Hope never left

Smiles were always here

And when I start to doubt that which I should know

I hear my babies cry and I know

I look in their eyes and I feel

Only a fool cant see

In them I see my future

I see my past

I see my present

In my family I see myself as I once was

In them my heart truly beats for this world.

 

 

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE “A GOOD PERSON” OR A “BAD PERSON”? THE PROBLEM WITH MORALITY.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE “A GOOD PERSON” OR A “BAD PERSON”? THE PROBLEM WITH MORALITY.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE “A GOOD PERSON” OR A “BAD PERSON”? THE PROBLEM WITH MORALITY.

“Life is neither good or evil, but only a place for good and evil”.

Marcus Aurelius

What is Morality? Why does this topic even matter? What’s so special about having a moral reference point?

Morality is from the Latin moralitas which means “manner, character, proper behavior”. It is the differentiation of intentions, decisions, and actions between those that are “good” (or right) and those that are “bad” (or wrong).

I believe the issue of morality is very vital as man in general is born blank (i.e not racist, immoral and no idea of what good and bad consists of) and can be socialised into violence or a number of ideas. This obviously also raises questions on the right way to raise a child, the right process for rehabilitation for the criminally convicted and so many other questions. 

The problem with the question is in the definition. Who or what determines what is good or bad? Who says what is acceptable and what is not?  

It is no secret that morals can vary from person to person and culture to culture however many are practically universal, as they result from basic human emotions.

A few years ago I came across this problem in a public forum between Christians and Atheists. The topic that was raised was not necessarily one on morality but one on a divine deity and its responsibility towards the starving folks from third world countries.

 

Though my topic has nothing to do with my previous discussion, I feel it might be necessary to repost it for the sake of clarity.

The post read as follows:

I have read a number of views here from both Atheists and Believers especially with regards to starving children in Africa. 

First of all let me start by saying that I am African, born, bred and raised in Africa. When we speak about Africa and its problems you must understand that God has nothing to do with it. Africa is one of the richest places on earth. Our people believe that we did not develop so many things in the past because there was no need for it. as necessity is the mother of all inventions. Africa has an abundance of food and in cases where there isn’t there is the land which is rich and fertile, we have good weather so there is a lack of need for massive structures and prior to colonialism there was respect for animal life. We did not kill animals except for when it was needed. Africa in a lot of ways is the cradle of life for the world.

The problems in Africa are complex but I can assure you they were not caused by God. They were started by colonialism, extended by slave trade and have continued by racial discrimination. Every single one of these is caused by men such as myself. When Barack Obama became president it was a big deal that a black man was elected. This feeling was not developed by God it was done by people. African presidents who were taught corruption by colonial masters have for centuries plundered and stolen its resources for their own good and starved their own people.

 Africa is in trouble because of people and not because of God. God by nature has given us free will and as such will not deny us of the consequences of our choices. When a king/president rules with terror do the people not suffer? 


Look to yourselves and see if you ever learnt anything from the 1st or second world war. Millions of people died. Did God cause this? How about global warming, Did God cause climate shifts?

More important than blame what have you done about it? I can honestly say that in all my years in Africa I have never seen one so called NGO or charity asking for £3 a month to help children ever.

I am happy for the girl that got to go to Disney land but I also know that even in the bible God did not always come down from heaven himself to make a change in the life of his people. He sent someone to deliver them. Look at Moses, Nehemiah, David, Habakuk and Jesus (who walked as a man).

To my fellow Christians be careful not to miss what that really means and my fellow Atheist be careful when speaking about things you really do not understand but have only seen from the media. God has nothing to do with problems in Africa. Africa is damaged by people. To borrow from a saying “Guns dont kill people, people kill people.

When you refuse to feed others when you have enough, you have starved him (not God), When you refuse shelter to a friend, you have made him homeless (not God). God answers prayers through people in a lot of cases so do not say he doesn’t. I have so many testimonies to share but not enough time as I am only passing by.”

In retrospect the post read more like a vent than an educated ramble but it still raised the question of morality.  Who determines in your life or in the life of the people around you what is Good and what is Bad? Maybe if we can solve this we can solve the problem of human responsibility and maybe make the world just a little bit better.

Is morality determined by man (as an individual), society (collection of men), emotions or by a divine moral reference point.

Let’s examine the problems with the first one.

 Morality defined by man:

The whole course of human history may depend on a change of heart in one solitary and even humble individual – for it is in the solitary mind and soul of the individual that the battle between good and evil is waged and ultimately won or lost”.

M. Scott Peck

 If the definition of what is right and wrong is determined or left to be determined by you or I then what we are essentially saying is that anything outside of myself cannot determine if what I have done is right or wrong.

I guess morality is a philosophical discussion more than it is a scientific one. If morality is defined by a man then ultimately does this mean that if that said man feels that it is morally right to beat a dog till almost death as a teaching then he is right? What does this bring?

In essence what we are really saying here is that if Thomas Smith decided that he wanted to beat his child as a sign of love (maybe in his own way he feels that if he corrects a mistake today it is unlikely to happen again tomorrow). Would you say Thomas Smith is morally a “good person”? After all Thomas Smith is doing this because he feels he is being good to the child.

What if it wasn’t so destructive in nature? What if all Thomas Smith believed was just as he was born without clothes, he feels he is right to walk around without clothes? As man ages so does his preference. A very powerful quote that explains this can be taken from a man called Paul who once persecuted and killed Christians but later became a Christian himself and suffered the same persecution he himself had met out to countless others.

Pauls famously explains the ever changing nature of man in 1st Corinthians 13:11 “ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.”

 Also as important in morality as defined by man is the question of the Will of man. What happens to his Will?

Albert DeSalvo (A serial killer) famously said “It wasn’t as dark and scary as it sounds. I had a lot of fun…killing somebody’s a funny experience.”

The problem of morality as defined by man is even clearer in the case of Peter Sutcliffe where he also famously stated “The women I killed were filth-bastard prostitutes who were littering the streets. I was just cleaning up the place a bit.”

If he defines/determines morality and in his mind he was doing the world a favour; is he morally wrong? How about TV’s most beloved serial killer “Dexter Morgan”? What he morally right as he only killed serial killers?

 

Morality defined by society:

How about morality as defined by society? In order to even discuss this one must start with culture. In the simplest definition of culture, it is the way of life of the people.  Culture is man developed but more importantly collectively agreed. This means that just because Samantha jones likes to run around her neighbourhood naked, it does not make it the culture of that society. It must be done and agreed by the collective to be so. Culture in a lot of ways is similar to language. It is mans distinction from animals or the beasts of the fields. We (Man) have managed to create structure where it ordinarily won’t have been. This has sometimes been done for the survival of the species and other times for sexual satisfaction (not implying that these are the only two reasons).

Regardless of why a culture started, it brings in some really important questions to the table. A good way to explain this is to look at certain societies both past and present. The first that comes to mind is pre abolishment of slave trade. For the most part certain societies in the world (developed societies) believed that it was okay not just to own, rape, force labour but to kill at will as it was their “property”.

This was a society that did not even treat dogs that way at the time but seemed okay to do this with humans. Were the owners evil or was it society that defined it? Clearly it was society as now that the mentality of this has changed (even though racism still strongly exists) it appears that so also has society.

How about the Holocaust? Was that society or man? In modern times there is a society/village in Papua New Guinea that accepts cannibalism as a way of life. Are they “morally right”? After all it isn’t a crime to eat other humans there? Is the argument for morality as defined by society also based on location (we know cannibalism is not legal in the USA or UK)?

Also importantly is the fact that the only thing that is really constant in life is change and just as we all know now, Slave trade is no longer legal. Society has changed its mind on it, same as being gay. This means that society can also change its mind on other aspects. If Society changes its mind on its stance on Paedophilia, does this make it right?  Do you see the problem with morality when defined by society? Can we also customize/manipulate society through public propaganda so morality can also be changed (Just as with Slavery and Homosexuality)?

 

Morality defined by God (Spiritual Deity):

Let’s look at morality as defined by God/Spiritual Deity. The first and most obvious immediate problem with this is “Which God”? There are many extinct polytheistic religions that man never heard about simply because they died out before man invented written language.

In Hinduism alone, there may be as many as 330 million gods. Some religions worship a pantheon; some religions believe that there is a god in each of us or that we are all a part of a god. There are potentially billions of gods if you follow this system.

Even in religions that agree on a singular deity that deity still differs. It seems like the search for the one true God from an educative perspective will take more than a few hundred life times to know the truth and even then I think if viewed by the same rigidity required for scientific hypotheses to be determined a “fact”, mankind will still come up short.

Now lets see if possible to go away even for just a bit from that problem of

“What God first” and take the assumption that there is only one true God. Lets for the sake of conversation say that this is the God of Abraham/Ibrahim (please notice I did not say Christian or Muslim). I use the God of Abraham simply based on the fact that this is the only time that Christians and Muslims agree on deity and they represent the largest religious sect in the world.  Every thing after that simply becomes a disagreement. Unlike “morality as defined by man” and “morality as defined by society”, there is some hope here. First of all in order to be a God, God cannot change which means that his stance on good and evil can not be speculative. God is totalitarian (This is found in the definition of being a God), this means that he has a clear distinction on what is classified as good or evil and this combined with our previous point means that the reference point in theory will be eternal. He has no beginning and no end and is seen as the creator of mankind. This means that he is ageless and timeless.

Even with those being major positives it is also difficult to move away from the fact that God seems to exist through a spiritual consciousness (I am also not saying it is impossible that God is physical) but very often when people talk about hearing from God they are very often not speaking physically. This means that it is impossible to avoid the problem of “manipulation”. 

I can presently think of 9 examples when this has been a problem

1) Human sacrifices in Buddhist Burma (over 500 bodies found)

2) Members of lndia’s Thuggee sect killing over 20,000 people a year (estimated to have killed over 2 million people) to appease the goddess kali

3) The Mountain Meadows massacre by a group of Mormons and Paiute Indians (120 men, women and children).

4) The Medieval Inquisition is a series of Inquisitions (Roman Catholic Church bodies charged with suppressing heresy) from around 1184 which tortured and killed thousands (true amount uncertain).

5) The witch trial by Puritans that settled in Massachusetts in the 1600s (20 alleged witches were killed and over 150 others imprisoned).

6) Roman Persecution of Christians (Christians were rounded up and killed. Some were torn apart by dogs, others burnt alive as human torches. This lasted over 100 years). The death toll also in its thousands if not 100 thousands.

7) Aztec Human Sacrifice (over 20,000 sacrifices a year). The sun God needed daily sacrifices of blood. This also is estimated to be in its millions.

8) Islamic jihads (holy wars), mandated by the Koran, killed millions over 12 centuries.

9) Thousands of pagans murdered by self proclaimed Christians not including the crusades killing an estimated 1 million plus people.

A few famous quotes on good and evil when decided  by a spiritual deity include.

“God did not create evil. Just as darkness is the absence of light, evil is the absence of God.” 

― Albert Einstein

 “In each of us, two natures are at war – the good and the evil. All our lives the fight goes on between them, and one of them must conquer. But in our own hands lies the power to choose – what we want most to be we are.” 

― Robert Louis Stevenson

 

 Finally just before I end this introduction to this very controversial topic and give you a chance to share your thoughts. It seems like no matter what route you chose in defining morality or picking a moral reference point. There will always be the issue of manipulation.

Manipulation very often has a negative connotation to it and in fairness there are genuine reasons why this is the case. However, it is performed daily by almost every one of us and every sector. Think of your local McDonalds for just a second. Have you ever gone in and the music is slow paced just like your pricey restaurant? Even the music is designed or put to create an atmosphere of fast food. Lets take another look at the shelves in a shop. Do you think the ready made meals and the drinks are next to each other by chance? Think about your favourite political speech. Do you think it was not tailored or designed to elicit such a reaction from you? Think about a theatrical preview of a new movie. Is it designed to get you to watch it or not to?

Maybe all of this sounds sinister, Lets think about the first time you went after a person you liked (obviously I say this on the assumption you are a well balanced person). When you went on that first date? The clothes you picked or even dressing up for an interview. Were you seeking a particular response?

So can we say knowing fully well that we use it to survive and it is actually a vital requirement for successes in this present age that it is wrong to be manipulative?

They are all attempts to control the variables in our environment to suit a response in which we find favourable. It affects a person’s free will and choice and when people are really good at it we know them as social puppeteers. Prostitutes use this, politicians use this and religious leaders use this.

Or do we excuse ourselves as well that it is okay as long as we determine it to be  (morality as defined by man), maybe according to society (morality as defined by society) or maybe as long as my religion says its fine (Morality as defined by Spiritual deity).

 No matter which one of the three we (people) chose to live our life by, it is arguably more dangerous to not have a moral reference point so this remains a question that requires an answer. Maybe the answer is in the question, maybe its not. Maybe you know an answer. I sure would love to read your thoughts on it. So please share your thoughts, don’t just read and go. 

 

 

FALLING IN LOVE OR PICKING WHOM WE LOVE

FALLING IN LOVE OR PICKING WHOM WE LOVE

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FALLING IN LOVE OR PICKING WHOM WE LOVE

It is an age old question. Do you fall in love (spontaneous) or pick who we love (spend some time to consider everything)? Which one is forever?

While some people never have to ask this question (lucky ones) for some of us we need to decide. It might seem like quite an irrelevant question but it is a very important one. Do you let all your emotions do all the work in your love life or do you give your brain a chance to help out?

One sunny afternoon while in university, two of my female friends came over to my house in school because it had been a while since we were able to catch up. I was so excited to see them. The only thing was that they had forgotten to tell me that they would be coming with someone else. Where do I even begin to start in describing this lady? She was so beautiful to me. She had the perfect smile, the perfect size, the perfect height and she even dressed perfectly. Her name was so unique; I had never heard it before. Ooh! It was love at first sight.

Days after the visit, I could not get her out of my mind. I just had to see her again. I asked my friends who eventually introduced us. I spent every day over the next 3 weeks with her. We had exactly the same experiences, our families were alike, we coped with things the same way and even knew exactly how the other one felt about certain things even before we discussed it. It seemed like we grew up together and saw the world the same way. It was so exciting I missed classes just to be with her and I simply could not get enough of her. Everything you can imagine you feel during love. I felt it all (heart beating fast, nervous to the point it becomes draining).

We started to date and within a month she said “I love you” and I said the same back. I was so happy I cannot even begin to express by how much.

One evening while at home I decided to give my new love a call (just to see how she was doing), we had only been dating for about 3 months then. It was a short call and at the end I parted with the usual “take care of you, I love you”. Then I waited for the reply but all she said was “take care, ok”.

This was a little weird but I could not make a big deal out of it. I ignored it and tried the same thing the next day. I got the same answer. I tried it the third time and I got the same answer. I could not ignore this anymore so I gave her another call and asked if there was anything wrong or happening with her that she wanted to talk about. After several reassurances that her life was fine, I asked her why she could not say “I love you” anymore.

She simply replied that “she did not know if she still felt the same way anymore”. I was relatively calm when I was told this and I asked her to take time out to figure this out (obviously assuming she would come back to me) and to tell me when she is ready to start dating again).

Two and a half years later I still did not get that phone call. Talk about a long wait, right?

I expect everyone would have their own example of a time when they fell hopelessly in love at first sight and how it ended.   It might have taken longer to end than mine but ultimately it must have happened in the same cycle ( Meet, like, love, reason, end). No matter how much you care about a person today it could all be over in a month. That’s just life.

I had spent all my time concentrating on the emotional side of things. The excitement and everything that love at first sight came with had completely clouded my reasoning. When I take a look back, this girl could not have been more wrong for me. Her history and signs showed so much and to be honest I should have known better. I got so lost in feeling lived that I forgot and made excuses for everything I had seen. I learnt it doesn’t matter why someone is the way they are, it just matter who they are now. If you are selfish from being alone, you are selfish and that’s all that matters, after-all every character a person shows gets there somehow. Remember humans are born with no character at all.

You see the main problem here was we had the same characteristics and my chance of becoming emotionally whole would have been eliminated. I am a big fan of being an individual and that’s not what I am talking about here. I know it would have been comforting to have someone who thought like you but it would have inevitably been crippling to have someone who never criticised or challenged you.

As I grew older I learnt to discard all those attributes and things we feel when we meet a new attractive other and focus on the things that make her “perfect for you”. It is important to be attracted to your partner but it is not the most important thing. This is simply because as human beings we already have the ability to identify and be passionate about even the simplest items (like a pen or book) if it is presented to us with the right perspective. So worrying about attractiveness is relatively unimportant.

Each and every one of us holds an innate psychological design containing some-what exact details about our life and the scars left by our experiences. This contains our fears, anxieties, defence mechanisms, our coping mechanisms and in some cases it is something we are not even aware about ourselves.

The amazing thing about this innate item is that it works like a scanner and gives us the capacity to identify another person’s psychological map. I believe that the people we are most attracted to are the people whose psychological design complements our own. We are often searching for similarities but we should be looking for differences. Please note that I am only talking about complimentary differences, nothing else.

I think I must state at this point that we should have already differentiated between our “real” self and our “ideal” self before thinking about this. If we do not know who we really are we might be searching for the wrong type of complementary characteristics. Like I tried to explain earlier If your first reaction to a very complex situation is anger even though it might be advantageous to see yourself as being gentle do not deceive yourself that you are gentle. This could result in you making a terrible mistake in relationship choices. We usually know ourselves best by how we re-act when we hit rock bottom not when things are great for us.

Now here is the kicker believe it or not but opposites attract. The purpose of this unconscious fit is to find someone who can complement our experiences. This could be someone who’s the same as us, but most likely we would be looking for someone we think we might be able to learn a thing or two from; someone who has developed coping mechanisms and defence mechanism that are different from our own. This would be someone that can provide a different perspective to any problem we might find ourselves.  This is often someone who has struggled with similar problems along the course of life but has come up with a different way of dealing with it. A way that we personally can appreciate them for. To put it quite simply, our ideal partner would be our best chance of becoming psychologically whole. The sad part is very often he could be the one you have trained yourself to ignore because her/his words are too close to the truth.

Although no two relationships are ever the same, there are still some ways to classify them. These classifications often happen unconsciously and shape our roles in our relationships.

Idol and worshipper– This happens when one partner puts the other on a platform, this often indicates an issue with competition or a fear of failure. To avoid any form of comparison, both partners unconsciously agree to play this game.

Master and slave–This is often found in relationships that existed before the feminist movement. There is uneven distribution of authority and control. The partner who avoids responsibility often obeys the rules of “Master character” and they often describe this as a laid back attitude and describe their partner as control freaks.

The run-a-ways– This type of relationship typically exists amongst teenagers but is not exclusive to them. Both partners have a fear of intimacy and in some cases rejection and they keep chasing each other. Occasionally the chase will swap around.

Birds of a feather– This is typically the couple that most people love to hate. They often believe they are in their own perfect world. They dress like each other, finish each other’s sentences, they hate the same things , share the same interests and believe it is them against the world. Chances are that you know at least one couple like this.

Parent and child type–This is actually more common than you might think. It is a relationship status characterized by dependency and trust in which one partner takes on the role of a child and the other the parent. The general idea here is that if they act needy and dependent their partner would take care of them. This however this often leads the “Parent partner” to deny the need for dependency and thus create later problem if they ever feel they might need it.

Warriors – on the surface these partners look as though they should never have even met. They argue incessantly over anything. They both avoid intimacy by living in a war zone. This are very intimate people and it usually a very bad idea to take any sides during an argument or to attack any one as they very often gang up when threatened.

My classifications are a little un-orthodox, based purely on observation and it is very possible to see some elements of your relationship in all or some of these categories. For example, in a time of grief and vulnerability you may act out the parent and child model, while many couples become like babes in the wood following the birth of a child. Or in times of financial struggle take on the warrior role.

Good or bad chemistry?

All categories serve a single purpose. They are designed to protect ourselves from potential anxiety. Chances are that we are not aware of this until something happens to change it. We all grow and mature, our needs change and our relationships need to adapt to those changes.

Very often in life we spend our time growing up through the years and we look for characteristics that complement our view of our self when we were kids (our ideal self) and we never remember to discard some of this as we grow up and become who we really are.

This often leads to varying interpretations of chemistry. What is good chemistry? Good chemistry is really simple to identify. It is when your relationship is simply effortless. When you feel like you could be naked and have a body full of embarrassing illnesses and still be able to show your SO (significant other). This is very rare to find and should be cherished when we are lucky to find that person.

Most people confuse an effortless relationship to signify a boring relationship. I believe it is quite the opposite. Along life either through television, books and instruments of socialisation we have been conditioned to believe that all the attributes associated with anxiety (such as a fluttering heart, butterfly in your tummy, getting hot all over) are actually signs of a fantastic relationship. While they may be signs of passion they are not signs of a lasting relationship and this is why very often when these feelings disappear people often assume their relationship is heading for the gutter. Understanding that an ideal partner is simply someone that is good for you, someone that makes you feel safe, someone you don’t have to be polite around or mind your quirky habits around, someone you can always count on and someone who you know will do anything to keep you safe. This would normally be someone that can see things differently from you and can provide you with a different perspective on any issue without disregarding your opinion. Like having two sides to a coin they are the ones that give you a shot at being psychologically and emotionally whole. This could be the difference in finding happiness and remaining happy. Let’s face it, people like that (designed specially to deal with you and all the additional stuff you bring) do not come very often.

However be alert and try to see people for what and who they really are. Do not project characters onto people just because they seem like they should be the one.

Most people learn this the hard way and very often they learn this is when the “ideal partner” has come and gone. This usually happens because as we grow up we often forget to discard the information we thought we knew about ourselves. We see the perceived best of us (based on our aspirations and what we feel we need to succeed) and often ignore the reality.

To explain that statement let me use an example. Stephanie wanted to become a singer when she was only 4 years old. It is all she has ever wanted to be and with every passing day her desire to be a world famous singer starts to grow. She spends every day practicing her tones and training her voice. The only problem here is that no one told Stephanie when she was growing up that she could not sing to save her life. Stephanie grows up projecting certain characteristics that are found with singers onto herself. She thinks she sounds marvellous, is very composed, courageous, very hardworking, very dedicated and a bit of a diva.

Along life Stephanie gets several very bad reviews but she always managed to convince herself that they were all not worthy of her “enormous” talent. Stephanie spends all her life trying to make a career in music and she never succeeds. At 60 years of age it finally sinks into Stephanie that maybe she was not as talented as she felt she was.

Stephanie thinks; “It is a pity it is too late to go change my career path, maybe I could have been a success at something else in life. Why wouldn’t anyone tell me I really could not sing?”

When you think about it with that pespective in mind, who would Stephanie’s ideal partner be? Would it simply be someone that saw her for what she was and managed to re-direct her without killing her passion to succeed? Would it be someone that complements her characteristics and will help her succeed not someone who is the same as her and who deludes her into continuing on this fruitless journey all her life. Wouldn’t you agree that the two sound more likely to be true?

When you pick whom you love, remember that it is not about using a person. You have to let the person pick you and you also have to be someone that can be loved. What I am trying to say is that to have a perfect fit you have to complete each other and not just be a one sided affair.

Love at first sight is a fleeting emotion. How do you really love someone you do not know? How do you love someone you cannot yet trust? How do you love someone that you don’t know their bad side (everyone has some)? I love the idea and the concept but to pursue it vigorously is unfortunately responsible for a number of failed relationships. When you meet someone for the very first time discard whatever feeling you might have for them (if only for a little while), good or bad and learn what makes them unique and right for you.

Take your time when you find yourself attracted to a person and learn the ways in which you can complete each other. See the fun in the person and when you meet someone that makes you feel safe, someone that makes you feel like you and someone that provides you with a psychological, emotional or mental edge. Hold it tight and know that it is yours for later in life all beauty and physical attraction passes away and nothing else matters.

Most men in their forties don’t brag about having the most beautiful wife. They brag about having the most caring wife. The most devoted mothers and the most thoughtful partners. To be perfectly honest you could probably find a similar argument in women of that age.

 

“Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of its trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse for impossibility, for it thinks all things are lawful for itself and all things are possible.” Thomas A. Kempis

 

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