The day it all started was like any other. I woke up in the morning went over to kiss her after the normal “oh, How did you sleep?”. I would like to say I never saw it coming but that is not true. I knew it was coming I just hoped it was all in my head. After all i was told that “ as long as I am still here you have nothing to worry about” and my naive self I believed her. Well not really believed it was, more of hoped it would be true. I guess in my own way my ego could not accept that the me as I was, could ever not be good enough. My pride really did need a reality check.
I remember that day more than any other day in my life because on that day a lot of things changed for me. I guess it was the birth of a new person maybe more like a reincarnation than a new birth.
We had been to the shops during the day, had lunch together and at some point in the evening it all happened. I know you probably think it was a big row that led to something else and some day’s I wished it was, as that way I would have been able to justify to myself or rather hide behind the fight and not have to accept the real problem.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. So we got back from the shops and that was when she told me that she felt “we” needed some space. “A chance to re-evaluate our relationship” I was told. We needed to break up in a real way, not time apart or a brief split but an actual break-up so we can see if we really chose each other. I guess at the time I thought “you know what”, “How bad can that be?”. I knew what I wanted but if she really wanted to do this then I had to accept this at some point.
I guess I figured out in my own naive way that “most guys are assholes these days, I am sure she would go out and find out that I am actually a saint compared to them all. “The best amongst equals” I assumed. I guess my ego had been so drunk on naivety and smoked so much false sense of importance it was in its own world. I mean in retrospect, what a huge ego trip, to imagine I truly felt that I was better than over a billion possible candidates out there. I will hide under the excuse of youthful stupidity.
I mean think about it. I felt she was perfect in every way yet I thought that no other person out there would see that. Sometimes these days I wish I still had some of that “huge level of self grandiose feeling”.
Anyway I digress again. This isn’t really a story about heartbreak it is a story of survival. A few weeks after the break-up it really set in that this was real. This was not some temporary thing. I had really lost the lady I loved. I guess it sort of hit the spot when I once had to drive her to a date. I think I broke down and cried like a fat kid whose ice cream had been taken from him. I felt she was mine and no-one else’s yet I failed to realise she wasn’t a possession I had bought in the shop. Her heart was not mine to own, it was hers to give.
Back to the break up, so as the days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months I realised how desperately I wanted her back.
I don’t think I have ever grown up as much as I did during that time. For the first time in my life, through the eyes of the guys she dated I started to see the man I wasn’t. I wasn’t as great as I thought I was, I was not as caring, I was not as giving and surely not as thoughtful. I was a lot of things but a great catch really was not it. I dint deserve her especially in comparison to how I saw her. I realised in that period that you truly cannot force someone to love you. You really only have to be someone that can be loved and hope they love you back. Their heart is theirs to give and not yours to own or posses. To anyone that is just about to lose someone they love very much it will do you a world of good to know this to be true. I mean really know it and not just read it. A person’s heart and love is theirs and theirs alone. It is a gift we can never own but must always earn. The minute we forget this, love sometimes starts to dwindle away. While true love can take a while to lead to separation there are a few things worst than lack of love in a relationship.
Anyway, I digress again. After over a year of this break-up and several changes, I finally started feeling again. I realised that I know longer wanted or loved this lady to feel complete. I loved her because with her I wanted to be a better man. I wanted to grow. I no longer needed to be with her but just wanted to be with her.
Being unemployed started to hurt more than it would have if I was still with her. I wanted to be a better man. Now I won’t b*****t you, heart break really hurts. It drains you of everything. I have never felt so much pain without actually having physical pain in my entire life. You question yourself at every turn and the worst part is that the pain seems to never go away. It is there in the morning, it is there at night. In some cases it even becomes an obsession. I guess the best way to know if it has become one is to ask yourself a two part question, “is getting her back about love? Or is it now just a project?” “Could someone else realistically be better for you?”.
I survived this by a number of ways. I swore to myself that even if it kills me, another year will not pass by and I would still feel the same (In other words: taking full responsibility for change). I realised that though it is true that I wasn’t as good as I thought I was I still wasn’t un-lovable (in other words: Get some self respect, only make sure it is realistically mixed with true self reflection). I knew I wanted her but I wasn’t going to crawl anymore (although I never told her that though). I could finally re-evaluate what I really wanted from her and not base it on only my feelings. My head could get involved as well. I knew I wanted this girl but I was going to try to do it the right way (In other words: It is okay to want the same person just make sure it is for the right reasons. This doesn’t make you a weak person it just makes you a dedicated person if it is not an obsession anymore).
My self confidence came back. I was still very attracted to this lady. I still wanted her but my motives were real. It meant any time I did anything for her, I no longer felt like it earned me brownie points. It was just what you do regardless of reward.
I know it sounds quick and really obvious but it really works. Do you know how I know it does? I presently have a job that matter’s , a house, a wife and hopefully in the future at some point kids as well. I have a good and very happy life now and I have never felt more confident in my life than how I do now. Guess who I married?
In summary if you want to survive a heart break
A) Re-evaluate everything you feel was great (it could not have been that great if it led to a break up).
B) Never be ashamed of love or give your ego a chance to over-ride your heart.
C) Never give your emotions a chance to over-ride the right thing to do.
D) If you love some-one then you love them. What the hell can you do about it? Accept it and if it goes away then accept that to.
E) Gain some self respect my friend. People generally do not love people they cannot respect and people can see when you have no self respect. Don’t be the fat kid without the ice cream.
F) Accept that just because you worked on yourself and you are now “a better person” in your own head does not give you direct authority over someone. They don’t have to love you back no matter what you do so make sure if you decide to change you do it for the right reason. It must be a change for you not just because of someone else.
G) Wait and see. Do not over think it. I know it’s hard but if it is meant to be. It really will be.
No matter what happens if you gain some self development and a new lesson then great. Someone will find you and someone will see you for you.
I will leave you all with this quote. Success is when preparation meets opportunity (Henry Hatman). Good luck and God bless. If you have any additional questions leave a comment and I promise to reply ( as soon as I can).
Let’s talk you never know who can help.
Hello “Down..but not out”. I am glad I was able to help you in this difficult period. I know its a difficult period of life but I do have one more piece of wisdom to give to you.
The best way to get the lady you love back is to get over her. I know it sounds really strange but if you take a second to think about it I hope it makes sense. When I say “get over her”. I am not talking about pretence like you see in some Hollywood movie where the movie star pretends not to love her even though he really does. I mean that in the traditional way of what “getting over a person” really means.
Focus all your attention on getting past her without hating or harbouring ill feelings towards her. Remember she has a right to not chose you. Accept that your last relationship really wasnt meant to be. This will open you up both psychologically and emotionally for the next one.
This is so much harder said than done but if you do get over her in a true sense it means that if you ever meet again and the spark comes back you can truly start again. NEVER EVER TAKE OFF FROM WHERE YOU LEFT OFF. You will have your self pride intact (which she will see) and your head screwed on right to be able to judge your relationship based on what it will be and not revert back to what it was (Remember what it was, wasnt good enough). She might even be a different person when it happens and you know what, that is also a good thing. Your confidence from being independent will show. She will know you truly are a man. Just be careful to make sure that this (getting her back) is not your motivation otherwise getting over her will be nothing more that a façade.
Focus on the fact that “though we all have a need for love and belonging, we were in fact born alone”. No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
The very worst case scenario is that if she never comes back. You would be over her anyway so it wont really matter. Remember real love is not possessive.
Heartbreak is one of the most difficult times in a persons life and some people lose everything during that time. I want you to know that if there were good times they are never easily forgotten. In your case believe me when I tell you that if there was even a slight chance you might ever be together again then the “silence” is a good thing. Distance makes the heart go fonder.
This is a good time to work on yourself, just make sure no matter what you do. You do it for you and you alone. There is less chance of her becoming an obsession if you make changes for you.
Thank you for taking the time to reply and what you say makes perfect sense. Not an easy task but with some dignity and discipline it can be done. I have a right to a life and a good one at that. Sure, it wont be the one I planned but a good life none the less and that means being the best man I can. If and when love comes around again I will be ready for it having learnt some valuable lessons. I might as well have taken something from the last relationship if only it was what I did wrong and not to repeat the same mistakes.
Whether or not my next love will be the same lady no one can tell. I dont harbour anger or ill feeling, that serves no one and helps no one. I am disappointed and having to get used to change but that wont kill me and there is some learning to be done from it I am sure.
My self respect and dignity are in tact but heart has a scar it will always bear. But we all have scars to show we were brave enough to have loved in the first place.
Thank you for your help and wisdom and as you rightly say it’s time to focus on change for my sake and no one else’s. Time, as always, will tell.
I wish you all the best.
Thank you for this article. I have read it over several times because I can empathise with your story. I like your honesty and it has made me think differently about how I should approach my situation. My 4 year relationship ended 4 months ago and those 4 months have been a struggle and, right now, it doesn’t fel there is much light at the end of the tunnel. My brain knows there will be because life goes on, my heart is still confused and hurting and over-rules my head on many an occasion. I was blind-sided by the demise of my relationship….it was forever as far as I was concerned and we were to be engaged and married soon. We had a couple of difficult weeks before the split but nothing that couldn’t be talked about and fixed and 95% of the 4 years were simply wonderful. We set up home together, shared the same aspirations and were best friends as well as lovers. My ex is 10 years younger than me and without any real thought moved back to her mother and now enjoys the company of friends instead. Neither of us are dating again. There were some signs of remorse from her after she left, calls, texts and emails etc but nothing that said she missed me or regreted her decision. It culminated in her requesting to come and see me, a meeting she cancelled 2 hours before she was due to come over to see me. Frustrated at her confusing signals I wrote to her asking that she become clear in her own mind what it is she wants as staying friends was an unlikely option. True friendship was not possible as we would have wanted different things from the relationship. I was, in short, heartbroken. Silence now reigns which I guess I must take as her answer.
My priority now has to be me. Making myself a man that can be loved and wants to love again. To be dignified and proud of the relationship. Sure, I wasn’t perfect and nor was she but real love is loving the imperfect perfectly. I think about it all the time yet I dont want it to become an obsession that consumes me. I want her back but I dont need her back. And that is because I love her. Life is a rocky road that is made the smoother by having a loving partner to travel down it with. For some reason she doesnt want to go on this journey with me anymore and I cant make her. As you say, her heart is not owned by me, it is hers to give freely. All I can do is be the best man I can, not live in hope and “wait and see”. Not over think it and be happy with the mantra “if it is meant to be, it really will be”.
Thank you for making me think and helping me find a little peace amongst the confusion and turbulence of love.