Life

Life

I always wonder how many of us women have to sacrifice to be happy. Do we sacrifice because we have to or do we sacrifice willingly? How many times do we embrace our-self before we start loving our partners? I have never come across a moment in time where I have sat down and thought about myself. My mornings will always start of with my boyfriend on my mind and that is the last thing on my mind when I fall asleep. You may be reading this and thinking aw that is so cute however it became so unhealthy that it ruined my life and took me to a dark place. See the thing is, that when I was in previous relationships it was never serious and I will tell you why. I have never even told my family about my childhood traumatic memories. The type of background family I come from is where rape or child molestation looks like it was the victims fault, having that in mind if other communities found out that this has happened to my child who would want to marry them? Harsh right! I know and that is something that I will have to carry on my shoulders until the day I die. My family not being able to support me because in simpler terms they would be embarrassed of what society has to say blinds there better judgement.  But this is not why we are here.

That being said I’ll take you guys back to where it then went all down hill. You see when I first got into a relationship all I ever wanted was to feel was the feeling of being loved, understood and safe! How this tuned into a horrible mess. This went onto me then dating older guys. I was only 14 turned into 15. Can you guys see how this is going, don’t say it how can you be that silly didn’t you learn from your past experience etc etc. Well I thought having a male figure in my life that cares for me and loves and supports me is everything I would need to forget everything that ever happened to me. That was never the case. This just let me more vulnerable. I opened up to a guy that was 4 years older than me, being 4 years older than me lets just say he knew what he wanted in life and oh how he knew how to get his ways with me without me thinking too much about it.

Fast forward to the present now. I am 21 years old and lets say life has a funny way of making history repeat itself. I would say that but I would say my past life experience is holding me back to so much more than I could offer my partner or out future. You see I am trying to learn how to live my life the way I want.

I don’t know if you guys are reading this or if this even makes sense because as writing this, I’m shaking, crying and well just emotional over all. Sorry if I didn’t make a whole load of sense I just wanted to express myself  and just wanted someone to hear me out.

 

GOD IT

GOD IT

Greetings. I want to share a very personal story with you all in the hopes that it will inspire you as much as the experience has for me.
I had just flown back to New York from England this past December, when I made a knee jerk decision to road trip it down to Florida to spend the holidays with my family. This would be the first time in God knows how many years that we would actually BE together FOR the holidays. I also really needed to be around my family as I was not in a good place, emotionally, and hadn’t been for quite some time. Now, those who know me, know me to be a very upbeat and fun person to be around, but I had begun to lose all of those qualities in what felt like record speed. Life was, kicking my ass so fierce and so fast, with one blow after another, than no sooner would I manage to pick myself up, I’d find myself right back down again. So much, (forgive me) S*** was happening in every aspect of my life that not only was I feeling it, I could almost SEE the “sedimentary” layers of it all around me as I was sinking deeper and deeper. This was, dare I say, The Perfect “Sh**” Storm and it showed no signs of letting up. I was PRAYING for a miracle, kids. Divine intervention. ANYTHING from anyWHERE or ONE to somehow show me that this storm WAS going to pass, and pass sooner than later.
January 1, 2015. I chose this symbolic 1st sunrise of the New Year to take a walk to the beach and have a word with God. I’m a huge believer in signs, having had so many wonderful experience with them over the years and on this morning, I DESPERATELY needed one. I was nearly broken, yet my Spirit was still having onto what was now the very tail and frayed bits of that “Hope Rope.” ( Oooh. Hope Rope.That’s a keeper. I like that one. Have I just coined that phrase? Sadly, I googled it and that would be a NOPE on the HOPE rope. Oh well. I’m still gonna use it. )
Anyway……I made my journey to the beach early that morning and I asked God. No wait. I didn’t ask. I PLEADED & INSISTED that He/She/It present a sign to me.TODAY. If anyone knew my pain and struggle, They did, and They knew what it was doing to me and had to know just how important this day was for me. Only a few days before, I drove to that very beach and sat it my car, feeling completely broken,lost,alone. All of the above and so much so, that I actually called a helpline…..and was put on hold. No BS. I can honestly say that at that moment of being put on hold, I shook my head and laughed. It was as if the Universe had given me that Cher slap in the movie, “Moonstruck”, telling me to “SNAP OUT OF IT!”
And so back to the morning of January 1. This was crunch time. I wanted a sign and I was DETERMINED. Now you would think that in my desperation, I would’ve taken anything that was possibly offered to me and be grateful , wouldn’t you? Not the case at all. I was very specific about my intentions. Like I said, it was crunch time and I knew exactly what I wanted as a sign.
No, I didn’t ask for buried treasures, although now that I think about it, I totally stopped the ball on that one. Damn!!! I asked for a shark’s tooth. That was what I wanted. I had spent an absolutely magical day with my Mom on the beach years ago and while we were walking, I had the sudden urge to say out loud, “I’m gonna find a shark’s tooth in the next 5 minutes!” Haven’t a clue why I said it and still don;t, but all that I know is that I found not one but 2 in those five minutes! And I vividly remember some guy walking by who said, “Looking for shark’s teeth? Good luck!” He about fell over when I showed him my finds!
I’ve been to many beaches since that day and was always hoping to find another and never did. Today HAD to be the day and I made my order quite clear. I wanted a tooth and not just any tooth. This particular one had to be bigger than the tow I already had. The color gray popped into my mind for whatever reason, so I insisted it had to have gray in it, as well. I also said ,(and by now, I was on a roll) that it had to be presented to me in such a way that I’d absolutely have no doubt from Whom/What it came from. I wanted a grand reveal. I wasn’t going to walk over it or pass it by. It was going to be there just as I had asked.
And so I set forth to find this tooth, talking to myself and God while sifting through shells, plants, as well as lazy people’s plastic garbage (WTF, peeps???!!! There are trash bins EVERYWHERE! Shame on you.), affirming to myself that I was going to find what I came here for. The more I looked, the more I felt in my heart of hearts that I WAS going to find it. I’m kept saying that I wasn’t leaving this beach until i did. I even went so far as to do my best DeNiro imitation from Cape Fear, saying, “Come out , come out, wherever you are.” No BS. I said it. Out Loud.
After 1/2 or so of crawling around on my now sand/shell/plastic-encrusted hands and knees in my search for that sign from above, I tool a bit of a break to realign my back and to feed the seabirds some popcorn I had brought for them. It was while I was feeding the birds that I made another declaration to God and I said, “You see me feeding these birds. When I am finished feeding them, You are going to show me what I came here for.” ( Again, No BS, folks. I am not embellishing this story one bit.)
The birds were fed. The food was gone. I then took about 6 or so random steps in the direction of the shoreline, and right there in front of me, with a natural rock seawall as a most fitting backdrop;surrounded by only freshly washed sand for at least a 2 yard radius (and this was a shelly/plant and plastic covered area of the beach) was a single shark’s tooth sticking out of the sand like a single birthday candle on a cake. It was and OMG moment and OH MY GOD was right. It was EXACTLY as I asked it to be. Bigger. Bit of gray. Presented in a grand manner and it really did take my breath away. I gasped. I laughed. I cried. All of the above.
I pulled that tooth (pun intended) out of the sand and held it up high and just kept saying , “Thank you. Thank you, GOD. Thank you so much, over and over for only They know how many times. I kissed the tooth and held it to my heart. I’m getting emotional at this moment just thinking it about again.

I could end the story right there, but just like those TV infomercials that say, “But Wait! There’s More!” And there really is more.
I had taken a photo of the tooth to send to a friend and wanted to show its size, so I grabbed something close by (in this case, it was quarter) and took the photo. It was only when I actually really looked at the photo, as I was making it my screensaver, that I saw something else that completely blew me away. Hand to heart, folks, this was a random placement of the quarter for size comparison only.
Check out the photo. See the tooth? pretty cool, eh? Now check out the quarter and see what it says…….

( I can resend the photo if you don’t already have it )

In God We Trust. And believe me, I DO.
That morning was a life saver and a game changer. It has changed everything for me and it has changed ME.
Ask and it will be given to you. Seek and you will find it. Knock and it will be opened to you.
How strange that even the first letter of each of those phrases spell out A-S-K.
I asked. I sought. I found. I put every ounce of my being into my intentions and, by George (again pun intended to the man on the quarter, I GOD IT !
I wear my tooth proudly and close to my heart, as a reminder of a day that needs no reminding from me. I was there and it was one of the best days through the messed days……Again, I so God It and I wish these kind of moments for each and every one of you.
Thank you.

MY REASON TO LIVE. MY REASON TO DIE…. (By Sara Asiya)

MY REASON TO LIVE. MY REASON TO DIE…. (By Sara Asiya)

I can feel my hands shaking a bit as I sit down and write this. I can’t tell if it’s from fear, love… Or if I’m just casually about to have a nervous break down. Never the less, stay with me here.
I’m not to sure when reading this how many of you can relate to it but it’s something that is so close to my heart that these words are easy for me. It feels like the pen is just gliding over the paper. My hand seems to have no control.
Where do I even start!
I think most of us have that one person in our life that no matter how many days or years pass they will always stay at the front -line of our hearts, floating around with a huge stick waiting to harass and deny entry to any passers-by. You Love, you lose.. You don’t move on. Typical woman.
I could sit here forever and talk about the many characteristics he has that I adore, or about how each one draws you into him. I could tell you about his heart and how sometimes I swear I could feel it holding me. But I will most defiantly start hysterically crying.
Anyway. All you really need to know to understand my story is that I loved him. He was not only my boyfriend but my best friend. Someone I had and still have unconditional love for. The guy that gave me that beautiful sick feeling in the pitt of my stomach. The guy I found myself completely infatuated with. William. ❤
I’ll take you back to a distant summer were a group of 4 decided to start making memories together. Me and William, my best friend and Williams best friend. They made up couple number two. May I add they are still together and will be getting married this year. Let’s all aw at once. Or let’s not cause happy people are shit let’s face it :/
We all pretty much from day one insisted on spending every second of every day, morning, afternoon and evening together. Just creating memories..
Let’s cut the crap and fast forward one year – everything is still perfect. Must have been about 6pm. At home prancing around like a spring chicken waiting for the boyfriend to arrive.
So 7 o clock came, but he didn’t ..
And then 8 o clock creeped up, but he didn’t… 9 o clock came and still no sign. No call. Nothing.
So you can imagine at this point I’ve got my CSI face on and I’m ready to start interrogating him until either one of us starts crying. Dibs on me. I cry over anything. I’m pathetic like that. So I start tapping away with my obese little fingers in some sort of hysterical rage mode. Seeing not much else but red at this point.
‘077……….’
“the mobile phone you have called is currently switched off please try again later..”
Right. So…. He’s ditched me?
Cool
Ready to lose the plot any second really. Hands are sweating, my hearts racing I hate the unknown. I’m now just thinking the absolute worst. Or so I thought.. I had no idea my whole world was about to be flipped upside down..
I’m not one to chase, I’ll leave you to your own devices until your ready to come at me. Although saying that.. I did stalk his mobile for a good couple of hours until I gave up and fell asleep on my own dribble n tears. I woke up in the morning and obviously he was the 1st thing to mind. But no miss calls.. No text messages. Nothing. Nada. Not a sausage.
At this point my hearts sunk to the bottom of my stomach and I can feel it starting to wretch. Before I’ve had the chance to do anything I’ve got the wife calling. Perfect. I can vent n find out where this idiot was last night. So unlike him.
“Hello babe, please tell me you have spoken to wiggle…?”
She kinda went a bit silent for a few seconds and then proceeded to change my life as I knew it. All I can really remember is putting my head into my hands and dropping to the floor.
…”He’s dead Sara.
He had a car accident on the way to you last night and he died.”
……… I can’t really explain the feeling I felt, it’s like no other emotion I’ve ever come across before. I just went numb. I couldn’t feel my hands. I couldn’t feel myself breathing. I was ready to die. No doubt in my mind. I wanted to die. I didn’t care how, I just needed to see his face again. Just no words to explain the pain that ran through my heart. I felt like I was crying blood. And every tear that dropped took apart of my soul with it.
I spent every night screaming in the dark. Not wanting to leave my bedroom floor. I couldn’t and didn’t want to feel any comfort. Because it wasn’t possible. There was nothing, absolutely nothing that could have eased my pain. Nothing. I know longer had any concept of what comfort was. I just turned cold. The feeling of emptiness is indescribable. It’s so overwhelming that you have no choice but to let it take over the whole of your mind, body and what’s left of your soul. Grief stops clocks, it stops every aspect of your life and you just no in your heart that life will never be the same again.
What is left?
What do I live for?
Being touched by death transforms your life, sobers your mind and changes your life forever. You never ever stop grieving. Ever. This happened in 2006 and to this DAY my heart has never found a way to fully heal and everyday I am still reminded of him. Everyday.
The funeral was to overwhelming and I couldn’t bring my self to attend the burial. My last thoughts of him, 6 feet under.. I couldn’t do it. I never wanted that thought to be mixed up in all the memories I hold  🙁
There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition..and unspeakable love.

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