I always wonder how many of us women have to sacrifice to be happy. Do we sacrifice because we have to or do we sacrifice willingly? How many times do we embrace our-self before we start loving our partners? I have never come across a moment in time where I have sat down and thought about myself. My mornings will always start of with my boyfriend on my mind and that is the last thing on my mind when I fall asleep. You may be reading this and thinking aw that is so cute however it became so unhealthy that it ruined my life and took me to a dark place. See the thing is, that when I was in previous relationships it was never serious and I will tell you why. I have never even told my family about my childhood traumatic memories. The type of background family I come from is where rape or child molestation looks like it was the victims fault, having that in mind if other communities found out that this has happened to my child who would want to marry them? Harsh right! I know and that is something that I will have to carry on my shoulders until the day I die. My family not being able to support me because in simpler terms they would be embarrassed of what society has to say blinds there better judgement. But this is not why we are here.
That being said I’ll take you guys back to where it then went all down hill. You see when I first got into a relationship all I ever wanted was to feel was the feeling of being loved, understood and safe! How this tuned into a horrible mess. This went onto me then dating older guys. I was only 14 turned into 15. Can you guys see how this is going, don’t say it how can you be that silly didn’t you learn from your past experience etc etc. Well I thought having a male figure in my life that cares for me and loves and supports me is everything I would need to forget everything that ever happened to me. That was never the case. This just let me more vulnerable. I opened up to a guy that was 4 years older than me, being 4 years older than me lets just say he knew what he wanted in life and oh how he knew how to get his ways with me without me thinking too much about it.
Fast forward to the present now. I am 21 years old and lets say life has a funny way of making history repeat itself. I would say that but I would say my past life experience is holding me back to so much more than I could offer my partner or out future. You see I am trying to learn how to live my life the way I want.
I don’t know if you guys are reading this or if this even makes sense because as writing this, I’m shaking, crying and well just emotional over all. Sorry if I didn’t make a whole load of sense I just wanted to express myself and just wanted someone to hear me out.